Should i still fake ?? ?

Gloom, sickness, disposals ,confusions, stupidity,lethargy and much.... more

I ve been haunted by all these for the past few days. Could be the reason for not scribbling here. But then what do i write ,am so confused with myself. when did i grow so compromising with situations , Time to get back on track ,All part of the game ,yes i ll start combating with these .I need to ..........

But to just analyse whats wrong ! Y did i experience all these ? i think and find no right answer. Anything i guess props up another question ,and i get back in the loop of thinking......
Thinking .. ,is a good exercise , but when u r surrounded with so many unusual questions ,its tough to concentrate. But i am not going to give up ,everything in this world has a reason. WAIT !!
am i crazy to solve mystries.... ? May be YES.

I try and try to solve one question , "y did this happen to me"? HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY .
Let me try a philosophical approach to this, I ask myself ," y should it not happen to you"? yes the whole puzzle is solved. Anything can happen to anyone anywere.

But then "what did i do , that this happened to me."?
"This" could be anything unpleasant.
This is the question to be answered correctly. Let me try answering this
May be i expected more than i deserve. I feel this is right.

everything is fine now, but something deep with in me, compells me to scrutinise all my moves and thoughts. I am still not satisfied ,
Y didnt i deserve what i expected?
is this that led me to all those monstrous thoughts mentioned above ?

i am confused ........, Then i feel i am stupid to waste efforts and time on it.Thought let me stop right here,no more questions , STOP HERE............

i am blank , completely blank nothing to do nor think. LETHARGIC........

But ,..
........ again a but !!
one more big question ,
Who rules my brain other than me ?
Who rules my brain other than meeeeeeeeeee?

OHH my god ,so many questions no answers , Anybody out here to help me whats wrong with me ,am i insane?

No one answers , I am left all alone with these unsolved questions.

I scream within myself , as loud as possible . I make a desperate dedicated attempt to come out of it, I close my eyes with a prayer to the almighty ,show me the way lord !!

Luckily some one answers.
"what you are and feel today is just by the choice you made in your past"

I am all struck , i am slumbrous .... almost unconcious . ..
and when i wake up the line
"what you are and feel today is just by the choice you made in your past" . strikes me again.
By now i am scared to think ; nevertheless i make an effort to dive to the depths of this line. . .

I finally realised ,all i felt and suffered was just a minute expression of someone ,who has been crying and craving for truth ,honesty and loyalty since my existence. and now i feel sorry to have mercilessly disobeyed him.

I ve been trying to fake my expression,my thoughts , in all myself..

I ve been disobeying and hurting him everytime he wants to say something. Now i know when nobody came out to help when i was suffering and screaming,it was him who came to my rescue , The ALMIGHTY is none other than my own SUBCONCIOUS.

its so cruel to fake , u can fake to the whole world but not to yourself.

Here is a sher that speaks it all,

"duniya kee bheed mein mai bhi cheekha woh bhi cheekhe
sun kar jo unsuna kiya ,woh khud ki hi tadap thi.
Jab sannata chaaya raha ,aankhon ke saamne
mai tha ,tanhaayee thi
aur ek bebas laachar mere khud ki hi cheekh thi"